LOST CLASSICS: OUT OF THIS WORLD (US) ANOTHER WORLD (UK)

Brilliant f'ing game. Get zapped into another dimension that is like arizona but purple-grey and inhabited by hairless ape-men that make loyal companions when you help break them out of jail. Watch for the poisonous leeches, deadly panther-lions, Laser pistol reload times and F'ING UNBELIEVABLE GAME DESIGN!!! This was like Half Life 2 but like 10 years too early. EPIC WIN!!!

Oh what's that you never played it back in the day on the PC or SNES? Well download the pretty new PC version and get cracking!!!

Lost Classics: Super Mario Bros 2....the Japanese one

Don't tell me you played Mario 2 back in the day and you pulled up turnips and Princess could float on her dress NO!!!!!!!!!!! That's Doki Doki Panic

Don't tell me you played lost levels either, that's like the Mario equivalent of Star Wars Special Editions: More fancy effects, no soul no balls.

I'm talking about The Mario 2 that you see in the screen caps above. The REAL Mario 2 that wasn't release in the US until last year because the designers at Nintendo HQ realized that it was too hard for our puny american minds. I can describe the first play through of Mario 2 as follows:

Title Screen: Hmmm looks normal. In fact I should be able to jump right into this new-old Mario game like a warm pair of well traveled slippers.

1st level: It's so similar I'm sure i'll quickly find a bar of bricks with my first power mushroom in it. Hey there it is (see 2nd picture) I'll just grab that and get....WHAT? THAT F'ING MUSHROOM WAS POISONOUS!!!

2nd level: What happened to the flow where i could run fast and time kills and jumps like I was some kind of goddamn ninja!?! In this game the built in level/enemy cycle timing is just some sort of sick demented mouse-trap springing shut on my tiny Italian neck!

later level: A WARP! It's about time that I get a little brea.......I"M BACK IN LEVEL 1???? WTF!!!!

later level: (3rd photo) okay it looks like this pipe took me somewhere new. Maybe under this brick arch there is some sort of hidden power up, invisible block...nope...nope..okay f it. I'll just go back since this was obviously a waste of my.....the pipe doesn't work.....I CAN'T EXIT THIS HELLHOLE? IT'S A TRAP!!! (4th photo).

That's right Mario 2 is a goddamn equivalent of the SAW movies but in circa NES videogame form (5th photo). Videogame torture porn more than a decade ahead of the torture-centric horror wave that gripped the first 10 years of the 21st century movie industry.

INSTANT CLASSIC

Lost Classics: Super Metroid

Okay it's not lost at all, quite the opposite in fact. Super Metroid is f'ing found now that it's on the virtual console. What about for those sinners our there like myself that never even played the damn game when it was in it's hayday?

THEN IT WAS LOST AND DAMN IF IT'S NOT A CLASSIC!

The Short-short: Brilliant SNES era 16-bit graphics. Impeccable timing of animation of character and weapon fire sprites. An innovative indigenious creature health recharging concept, perfectly timed weapon and suit upgrades kept the sense of abilities and areas to explore from becoming stagnant. Gigantor bosses that cause you to stare in awe when you have to climb 2 screens height just to stare them in the eye. This is the Empire Strikes Back of nintendo games (US Mario 2 was the Attack of the Clones of videogames). Roaming the hallways and tunnels of the game world leave you feeling like you can sense the dust motes and bizarre smells that must be swirling around your character at all times. Don't believe? Enjoy being terminally wrong. Decided that you're going to pony up the monies and buy and ACTUALLY PLAY the thing on virtual console if you missed the experience the first time around? Enjoy being RIGHT!

note: all spelling/grammer errors are intentional and will be preserved to maintain a certain flavor and spontenaity....ety...aty..

Lost classics: Peasant's Quest

Nestled inconspiculously beside the more simple 'bonus' fare on the Homestarruner.com games page you will find a true diamond in the rough: Peasant's Quest: http://www.homestarrunner.com/disk4of12.html

No doubt you won't be looking here in the first place if you aren't already versed in the goings on of Homestarrunner and his friends. I won't retread those fertile grounds here other than to offer a super brief synopsis of Peasant's Quest mythos.

> There is a whole side story on Homestarrunner about "Trogdor" the burninator an S shaped dragon with a penchant for lighting stinking peasants on fire. In Peasant's quest you take control of an atari or amiga-era RPG hero who vows to avenge the destruction of his quaint pixel-cottage and slay thy dragon named here.

Okay, so I know you're thinking why should I care? Well the answer is for these 3 reasons:

1) If you like videogames, fantasy and/or RPGs, humor, deft parody and you were born between 1970 and 1985 you will be subject to the most clever and satisfying humor-game every concieved
2) You have come to realize that I am right on all other matters discussed here. Plain and simple.
3)see #2)

The short short review: Peasant's Quest is clever, cute, astute, full of heart, charm and lovely 'graphics'. It's the perfect length for a serious diversion, it has a perfectly implemented save-in-browser functionality and if you love Homestarrunner and Trogdor then it perhaps the finest internet game of all time.